Weekly Drop # 5: The institution of marriage: What keeps divorce lawyers in business

"I'll love you when your hair turns grey girl
I still want you if you gained a little weight, yeah
The way I feel for you will always be the same
Just as long as your love don't change (no)
I was meant for you and you were meant for me, yeah
And I make sure that I'll be everything you need, Yeah
Girl the way we are is how it's gonna be
Just as long as your love don't change"

– Musiq Souldchild " Don't change"


 I've come across reports on the increase in divorces as the economy is on the road to recovery. Apparently the economic crisis impacts a person's decision to call it quits as divorce is not cheap. I thought about it and it makes perfect sense to me. No one wants to live alone and broke at the same time. On the other hand the thought of two individuals who hate each other living together simply for financial stability is a problematic. Quite frankly, I wouldn't mind living alone (meaning without a significant other, my family will always be there), as long as I'm financially stable and in good health. Perhaps what concerns me with the most is I can’t predict the future, so what If I am one those individuals? Certainly I won’t let it happen, but I've learned that life is unpredictable therefore and we must weight all possibilities.

Last week I learned something new - quite interesting actually. I learned that Malta, a Southern European country situated in the center of the Mediterranean (93 km south of Sicily and 288 km east of Tunisia) is one of the two remaining countries that still bans dissolution of marriage (aka divorce). Good for them I thought, until they held a referendum to vote on for the legalization of divorce. As a result apart from the Vatican city-state (Pope Country), the other country that bans divorce is the Philippines (Manny Pacquiao anyone?). Accordingly: "The divorce measure was passed by a majority of 53.2 per cent of those who cast ballots". (Shout-out to Al-Jazeera).

Here is an excerpt of the article in question:

"Arthur Galea Salomone, spokesman for the anti-divorce campaign, admitted "the people's choice was clear, they opted for the introduction of divorce". Divorce legislation is likely to squeeze through parliament as Gonzi's ruling Nationalist Party has the slimmest of majorities - one seat - and analysts have said at least one of his MPs had backed the "yes" campaign. The Roman Catholic Church did not campaign officially in the referendum. However, Paul Cremona, Valletta's archbishop, had warned church goers in a letter they face a choice between building and destroying family values. "By this vote, the citizen will either build or destroy. A choice in favor of permanent marriage is an act of faith in the family, built upon a bond of love which cannot be severed," said the letter, read out at masses. In addition, priests have reportedly threatened to refuse communion to those who vote "yes" in the referendum. Marriages can only be annulled by the Catholic Church's Ecclesiastical Tribunal in a complex and rare procedure that takes around eight years. The only exception to the divorce ban is for Maltese married to foreign nationals or Maltese who are permanent residents abroad." – Al Jazeera

See the official and dominant religion in Malta is Catholicism, no wonder why the church would be mad at such news. The reality as the Maltese people have discovered is that divorce is something which cannot be ignored any longer, hence the crumbling of the institution of marriage.

I'm far from a marriage counselor but I do recognize certain characteristics which lead to divorce. If I was in a position to advice though, I would certainly suggest the following: don’t settle for less. As a teen my definition of a successful life was: owning a Bentley, a condo overlooking the ocean somewhere, a sexy ass wife with whom I would procreate a lot of babies, and most of all live freely. If you ask me the same question today, I'll opt for an E-class Benz (got to be realistic on the Bentley eh), a condo in the city, many kids, and still live freely. No, I didn't forget to add the "good looking wife" part, but I simply realized that I will not marry because I have to settle down (accidental pregnancies…things of that nature), but because I want to. I will not marry because society defines marriage as an accomplishment, for all I know the current trend is divorce. In my view, the moment you settle for less (smh at all the captain save-a-ho out there), the differences between you and your soon to be ex-wife/husband are more apparent, thus divorce is more likely.

My views on the institution of marriage have changed overtime. I didn't question it much growing up because I didn't know much. As I experienced relationships, might it be I or simply noticing others, I am convinced that the institution of marriage is failing in North America (we are more liberal and progressive than the rest of the world). Even my beloved Congo, where marriage represents a great honor for families and individuals, the divorce trend is on a rapid growth. With the recent development in Malta, I've come to the realization that marriage is nothing more than an expected event in one's life from family, society, and your religion. The Philippines proudly hold the title as the sole country that bans divorce – I could always become a citizen.

Weekly Drop #4: Self-help books for the helpless

“No idea’s original, there’s nothing new under the sun/ it’s never what you do, but how it’s done”- Nas

I'm convinced that there is nothing new under the sun, like the saying goes. (nihil novi sub sole –in Latin).  Everything that is said and done has a precedent one way or another.  For that matter, I'm never quite surprised at certain events since it’s nothing new.  In fact, what I am saying right now has been said before.

A couple years back a female friend of mine offered me a gift in the form of a book.  She knew I enjoyed reading, thus it made perfect sense to buy me a book.  Aside from knowing how much I enjoyed reading, she gave me this particular book with the pretext that she was helping me become a better person.  I have a terrible memory but I do remember that around the same time she gave me this book, I wasn’t a good person per se.  NO I wasn’t doing drugs, I wasn’t rebelling, I wasn’t  doing  any of that absurd stuff.  I suppose I took many things for granted and mistreated those around me.  This book was her way of telling me “MBUYI you need to change, I care about you”, or something along those lines. 

The title of the book was “Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day” by Joel Osteen.  At first glance, I recognized the face on the cover; I had seen him before on BET, during later hours programming.  Although I was sceptical, I decided to read the preface at least. (My female friend praised Joel Osteen and gave the book great reviews – her friend had read it too).   By the second paragraph, I was discouraged; it was a bunch of repetitive I was well too familiar with.  But most of all, I was annoyed because she had fallen victim to another moral preacher (he’s a pastor – check his earnings, I can’t knock his hustle though) who writes self-help books with the facade of helping vulnerable souls.  I am very stubborn by nature (ask my parents), so there was no way I was going to even consider Joel Osteen’s “help”.  

This is the book description from Publishers Weekly:

“Mega church pastor and bestselling author Osteen follows up Your Best Life Now with this disappointingly unoriginal Christian self-help book. The seven sub titular steps to improvement include instructions to develop good habits, better relationships and an inner life. Osteen balances mind-over-matter pep talks with claims that God wants to bless faithful people with successes. The future is always promising, because God never performs His greatest feats in your yesterdays. At the same time, in order to receive God's blessing, one must back up prayers with action, obey, maintain a positive attitude toward life and do the right thing with the right motives. Some of Osteen's advice is sound; for example, he suggests that if you are forgiving and kind to colleagues and friends, they'll cut you slack when you have crabby days. Other suggestions—like writing down a big goal and posting it on your mirror or desk—are unremarkable. Laced throughout are anodyne first-person vignettes; Osteen struggled with frustration when his favourite restaurant announced a 45-minute wait. The hurried Osteen went to a nearby burger joint, only to have a brief encounter that changed another customer's life. Voilà—God turned Osteen's disappointment into blessing! Though this book is destined for strong sales, it offers nothing innovative.”  The writing in bold (I purposely did this) is self-explanatory.  

The book can be shortened in 7 key steps, as the title put forward.  The 7 steps are as follow:

1. Keep pressing forward
2. Be positive toward yourself
3. Develop better relationships
4. Form better habits
5. Embrace the place where you are
6. Develop your inner life
7. Stay passionate about life

If you had loving parents, friends, even neighbors growing up, I bet my fortune (I’m really an African Prince by the way) that you’ve heard those words of “wisdom” before.  If you didn’t have loving parents or unfortunately no parents at all, I am sorry.  The difference is, it was genuine, free of charge, and quite frankly you didn’t have to read (who likes to read nowadays) a book.  I AM NOT MAD at Joel Osteen and the likes of (Eckhart Tolle, Neale David Walsh etc…) at all.  There are people who genuinely need help, guidance, and need to be shown the way especially during difficult moments.  I also know that there are other ways to cope with whatever you’re going through than to enrich the likes of Pastor Osteen.  The way things are going, I plan to write a self-help book in the near future targeting vulnerable individuals to enrich myself. (I hope you’ll buy it and support me by the way).  I admire his hustle, but not so much people who continue to enrich him.   

Everything has a precedent, a past; there is nothing new under the sun.  Self-help books don’t necessarily help people.  Their primary goal is to maximize profits for the author; secondly they hopefully make some people feel good about themselves.  To this day, I still don’t know what happened to my copy of “Become a Better You” (it got me thinking what I did with it) When it comes to self-help books for the “helpless”, I beg to differ.